"All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on." - Havelock Ellis
December 27 - the dying days of 2015. At the end of last year, my hope was for a restoration to health, an improvement in my business fortunes and a reconnection to some loved ones who had retreated from my life.
My health is marginally better than it was at this time last year. I'm still in physio every two weeks and I still haven't managed to get to an appointment without the need for a major realignment of my back. Though I was assured last June by a leading specialist that I would be back in high heels in a matter of weeks, I am not. The longer my back issues persist, the more I am becoming resigned to the idea that I will probably never again wear the hundreds of pairs of beautiful shoes that I have. It is time to let go.
My hopes that Courtney would find a place for me in her life were also dashed. She has been brutally clear that she has no desire to see me again. I was wrong to believe that she had come to care for me separate from her relationship with my son. That she lived in my house for much of three years, that I fed her, clothed her, chauffeured her, edited her school papers and treated her like my very own daughter was ultimately meaningless. She cares not at all about me, perhaps she never did. As painful as it is, it's time to let go.
Consistent with the adage "Be careful what you wish for", my business soared this year at a pace that has left me breathless. Life as a consultant is usually feast or famine. I've seen no famine this year. I've had far more work than one person can reasonably manage. I didn't want to turn down work no matter how much pressure it put me under to accept every assignment but I've come to realize that I can no longer keep up this pace. I'm grateful for the luxury of being able to pick and choose my assignments. As for the notion that I need to do it all - it's time to let go.
On January 4, Jacob will start his new job. I am, of course, thrilled for him. It is the opportunity he was been seeking since graduating eighteen months ago. He has declared his intention to move out into his own place. As much as I will miss him, it's time to let go.
Letting go has never been my strong suit. I need to get a whole lot better at it. When I write my year end blog next December, I hope I will be able to report that letting go made room for new possibilities, new experiences and new growth.
Happy New Year.
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