And Later That Day...

If I needed confirmation that it is time for a rest, I got it this afternoon.  I had two things on my calendar for today - coffee with my friend Samia and an MRI at Princess Margaret.  I was looking forward to coffee and dreading the MRI.

After waiting for fifteen minutes for Samia to arrive, I started to wonder if perhaps I had the time of our meeting mixed up.  I pulled out my Blackberry and checked my calendar.  Indeed, coffee was scheduled for 3 o'clock.  Indeed my MRI was scheduled for 7 o'clock.  Just not today.  It took me a few seconds to grasp the concept that today is January 30, not February 6.  I finished my tea and came home.

I think I'll start researching that vacation destination right now.

Feeling The Hot Tin Roof

“What is the victory of a cat on a hot tin roof?—I wish I knew... Just staying on it, I guess, as long as she can...”  - Tennesse Williams

I think I need a vacation.  I'm tired but it's not just that.  A lazy day in my pajamas would take care of that.  It's more that I'm jumpy.  My nerves are jangled.  I'm feeling a bit like a cat on a hot tin roof.


I'm not sure how I got here.  True there is a lot going on.  I've been helping Cath navigate her exit from the company where she has worked for 37 years.  I've  been immersed in a complex and difficult investigation that escalates by the day.  Monday I had some dental work done, which while not terrible was unpleasant.  Tonight I'm having my annual MRI which admittedly causes me some anxiety year after year. Add to the mix, several friends who are experiencing some difficulties and need support (which I am only too happy to provide) and a former client who  has been making frequent, unreasonable demands and who won't take "no" for an answer.  It's easy to figure out why I'm running on empty.  But feeling like I'm ready to jump out of my skin is a whole other thing.

Tonight I'll design some new jewellery pieces in my mind as I lay stone-still for 45 minutes in the MRI machine. Tomorrow, I'll treat myself to a trip to the bead store to buy the materials to execute those new designs.  Later I'll spend some time looking for a warm destination where Merv and I can spend some leisure time next month.  Sun, sand and easy access to a martini bar will all be on my list of requirements.

Sharing a Mother's Grief

“Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.”  - Brian Jacques

Long before the sun rose today, I was awake in my bed trying to come to terms with some sad news I received yesterday.  The twenty-four-year-old son of a former co-worker and dear friend had died.  No one is talking about how he died.  There has been no report of an accident, no report of an illness.  In my mind, the death of a young person with no discussion of cause leads me to the conclusion (though perhaps prematurely) that the death was either a suicide or a drug overdose.  In thinking about it this morning, I realized that part of me wants to process this news as one of those things.  It makes me feel less vulnerable.  Jacob doesn't do drugs or suffer from mental illness so against these things he is most likely safe.  It was my friend Helen who called me yesterday.  I know she was thinking about the same things.  Her son is thirty.  But she also told me about the funeral she attended on Monday for the nineteen-year-old son of a cousin who died in a tragic accident.  There seems to be no way to avoid the sense of vulnerability.

It turns out that the obituary for my friend's son requests donations to a drug and alcohol recovery program.  Perhaps my conclusion wasn't so premature after all.  Tomorrow Helen and I will head to the funeral home to pay our respects.  I'm dreading it.  What can I possibly say to my friend to help her bear this grief?  She is a good mother.  Her husband is a good father.  As far as I can see, they did everything right.  How is it that things turned out so wrong?  How will she continue to exist in this world - to work, to live, to breathe?  There are no words.  There is no salve.  The only course of action I can come up with is to be there.  To hold her.  To cry with her.  To pray for her.  Doesn't seem like enough.

Lance

“Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place." - Lance Armstrong

I just watched the first segment of the three hour interview Oprah Winfrey did with Lance Armstrong.  I don't know what to think.  I am one of those people who believed Lance through all his denials.  I thought he was a victim of a witch hunt.  Harassed and harangued.  Clearly not.  He appears contrite.  I think he's sincere but how would we know?  He says he will spend the rest of his life trying to earn back the trust of the world and atoning for his lies.  We'll see.

I’ve thought a fair bit about Lance in these past few days.  His book “It’s Not About The Bike” was a huge inspiration to me when I was sick.  I admire the work he did through his Livestrong Foundation.  I admire the guts it took to move from the impoverished son of a young single mother to great feats of athleticism and success.  Drugs or no, he still pedalled all those miles.

Tomorrow night, I will watch part two of the interview.  I may, or may not get the insights I’m looking for.  Either way, Lance Armstrong is still a young man.  He has done much good in his life.  He has made many big mistakes.  I’d like to believe there is redemption to be had in this life.  That people don’t have to be defined by the worst mistake they’ve made.  In spite of myself, I’m still rooting for Lance.

Les Mis

“To love another person is to see the face of God.”- Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

Geraldine and I made our way to the Silvercity Fairview for a matinee screening of Les Mis today.  I never read the book but I saw the stage production three times.  It was by far one of my favorite operas though it was billed as a musical.  There is no spoken language in the film or on the stage and in my view that makes it an opera.  I didn't know how I would feel about the film.  It was sure to be more graphic than the stage production and  at three hours without an intermission, a long time to sit.  


The best word I can come up with to describe the movie is "brilliant".  Every performance was brilliant.  Hugh Jackman, Anne Hathaway, Amanda Seyfried, Eddie Redmayne, Sacha Baron Cohen, Helena Bonham Carter and yes, even Russell Crowe were brilliant.  Twelve-year-old Daniel Huttlestone slayed me with his performance as Gavroche.  I loved every minute of it.

Don't wait to see this one until it's out on DVD.  It's definitely a movie for the big screen.

Lemonade

"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade...And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party." - Ron White

My work this week took me to Brockville, Ontario to conduct an investigation for a new client.  I arrived around noon on Monday.  By last night I felt like I'd been there a week.  To be fair, I hear there are some lovely spots in Brockville.  I just didn't find any of them.  I stayed at their highest rated local hotel - The Holiday Inn.  I had a sizable suite which was reasonably appointed.  The big disappointment with the hotel was that there isn't a restauraunt in it.  As I wasn't in much of a mood to socialize, I made a trip to the grocery store and spent my nights eating veggies, cheese, pudding and far too many sweets for my own good.

Brockville was really not where I wanted to be but I don't want to complain.  I am grateful for the work.  The case is certainly interesting enough.  It's good, lucrative work.  I decided to make the most out of my two long nights in my hotel room.  I bought the first two seasons of Downton Abbey on DVD and played the discs on my computer.  I dyed my hair and stayed up late watching TV.  I spent some quiet time in reflection, worked when I liked, read and did crossword puzzles and snacked without worrying about leaving crumbs in the bed.  Last night I drove the 50 kilometres from Brockville to Smiths Falls to attend the funeral home visitation for my friend Helen's sister.  In that way, my timing was fortuitous.

I had hoped to wrap up my Brockville interviews by the end of yesterday but it was evident by early afternoon that I wasn't going to be able to do that.  I was convinced I would be done by noon today but as the morning wore on, I doubted I would finish today at all.  I had decided that if I couldn't finish in time to give me a couple of hours of daylight driving, I would simply go back to The Holiday Inn and do the drive tomorrow.  I finally wrapped up just before five o'clock.  The sun was setting.  There would be no daylight driving time. I hadn't come up for air for nine hours.  No lunch. No coffee save the cup I brought in with me when I started at eight this morning. I was tired.  Heading down the highway to get back to the hotel, I was seized with a second wind.  I spotted a Tim Horton's and pulled into the drive through.  I ordered a large cup of coffee and a Canadian Maple donut and decided to skip the hotel and hit the 401 instead.  By eight o'clock I was home.

It was probably crazy to do the drive tonight but I felt desperate to be in my own bed.  I want to wake up with a view of the ravine and slip into my tub for a long soak.  I want to drink my own coffee and eat the yogurt I like for breakfast.  Crazy or not - I'm home.  It feels so good.

Another Opening, Another Show

And ye, who have met with Adversity's blast,
And been bow'd to the earth by its fury;
To whom the Twelve Months, that have recently pass'd
Were as harsh as a prejudiced jury -
Still, fill to the Future! and join in our chime,
The regrets of remembrance to cozen,
And having obtained a New Trial of Time,
Shout in hopes of a kindlier dozen.
~Thomas Hood

We rang in the new year quietly but sweetly with good port and great friends following a delicious meal at Joey.  Brian and Merv played pool while Geraldine and I talked and laughed as I tried to fix her computer problems without success.   Talk about the blind leading the blind. 

I haven't thought much about the coming year in terms of what it might bring or what resolutions I might make.  Instead it feels like a continuation of the old year in which I resolved to be open to the possibilities.  I think I'm going to stick with that.

2012 brought both highs and lows.  Early in the year, my mom turned ninety and Geradine's sister Beverley passed away.  Seven days later, we celebrated my sister Nancy's 65th birthday.  A month later, Merv and I vacationed in Puerto Rico.  While we were there, I got the news that I had passed my paralegal licensing exam.  The week following, Nancy had a mastectomy.  In the following months, our dear friend Bob lost his sister and brother to cancer and recovered from cancer surgery of his own. In May, Jacob brought his new girlfriend Courtney home.  Her frequent presence in our home over the summer brought us much joy.  Jacob, Jonathan, Merv and I took a great vacation to Newfoundland.  Jacob excelled in his fourth year of computer engineering studies and rose to the top of his university class.  I did some interesting work, learned a lot of new things and took a trip with some friends to Las Vegas.  Jacob got his last driver's license in the graduated licensing program and Merv paid his brother Eric a surprise visit to England to celebrate Eric's 60th birthday.  And in between it all, we celebrated Valentine's Day, Easter, Canada Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas and assorted birthdays and anniversaries. We mourned at several funerals and grieved with the world at the loss of innocents to violence. And now it is done.

2013 beckons.  New possibilities.  New opportunities.  Things to celebrate and no doubt, things to mourn.  I'm walking in with my head up and my heart open.  Wishing you the wonders of a new year.