Mostly I have come to terms with being a sponge for the emotions of the broader universe. There are still days when it is hard. Even if I don't want to, I tend to feel things so deeply. And there is so much going on in the world right now that it is a constant challenge not to sink into darkness. Add to that, the recent diagnosis of Alzheimer's for my eldest sister has made me abundantly sad, not just for her but for myself and our other sister too. I am mourning the loss of the future I imagined we had - three sisters sharing adventures in our old age. I am her primary caregiver now and I am already tired. Nothing to be done about it but to soldier on, one day at a time.
I wanted to believe the challenges of the Covid 19 virus changed the world in good and important ways. That we, the people of the world had finally learned that the fate of some of us, affects the fate of all of us. Viruses don't respect politics or borders. Given that there is a war raging in Ukraine, it doesn't appear we learned that lesson. But it isn't just wars in far off lands that have shattered my illusions. I've watched Republican politicians in the U.S. work hard to successfully obliterate the rights of women to sovereignty over their own bodies. It doesn't take a rocket science to know that obliterating the rights of other groups will be next. Old, white, "Christian" men just can't seem to accept that their time of ruling the universe has passed so they try with every last vestige of their strength to tamp down anyone they see as "other". It's a bad time to be female, gay or dark-skinned in America. And while I know this has not, so far, affected our legal rights in Canada, I also know that hate does not respect borders either. God help us. So while I have certainly felt angry about what is happening south of the border, it is the events of the last week that pushed me into the darkest place. Nineteen children and two teachers killed in the latest mass shooting in an American elementary school in Texas. And just like the other mass shootings before this, we all know nothing will change as a result of it. The cable news networks will incessantly broadcast coverage of the funerals, memorials and press conferences and then it will stop. More eighteen-year-old boys will go into gun shops and legally buy assault weapons. More little children will die. But isn't that the way of modern day American politics? Protect embryos and fetuses at all cost but the lives of women and children don't make the list of things that are important. The right to own a gun is more important than the right of nine-year-old children to be safe in their schools. The GOP right-to-life belief system is good for a six-week old fetus but once children are born, they are screwed. It is the parents I cry for. They don't just mourn the loss of their children, they mourn the loss of the futures they thought they had. No graduations. No weddings. No grandchildren. The very thought of the pain of those mothers shatters me.
Today is supposed to be a happy day for me. For the first time this afternoon, I will attend the wedding of one of my kids. Covid restrictions blocked my last chance to attend the wedding of a couple of my other kids when they got married in 2020 but this bride postponed her planned wedding until she could have a larger gathering. We will be an intimate group of 75 and the wedding dinner will be outside. It suits me just fine. I took my mandatory Covid test this morning. I've never had to do that to attend a wedding before so I guess things have changed somewhat. I will put on my new party dress and paint my nails and do my hair. I will, no doubt, cry when she walks up the aisle with her mom and dad and tonight I will dance. This morning I made jam and planned a new painting. I haven't read the newspaper and I won't be watching the news. It is a day for joy. The mess of the world will still be here to look at in the morning.
