Broken

"All the king's horses and all the king's men, couldn't put Humpty together again." - Lewis Carroll

Week nine and still down.  The problems with my back have gotten worse.  One step forward, two steps back.  Three herniated discs, now mostly resolved followed by a dislocated hip that doesn't want to stay in the socket no matter how many times my physiotherapist puts it back. The as yet, unconfirmed diagnosis is a labral tear. The pain is breathtaking. 

I've been trying to carry on with some semblance of a life in spite of my current challenges.  I sucked it up long enough to attend a business lunch last week, even driving myself downtown for the meeting.  I spent the next two days flat on my back.  Sunday was the day on which I had long ago committed to attend the theatre with Courtney, her mom, Jan and sister, Sarah.  We had tickets to see Wicked, my favorite musical as a belated celebration of Jan's fiftieth birthday.  Given that Jan's partner had a serious heart attack last week, she really needed this celebration and the tickets were ordered many months ago.  I had told Courtney that I would take everyone out to lunch before the matinee performance and I was determined I would keep that commitment, no matter what it took.  There was a lot of ice and a lot of pain medication involved but I did it.  We had lunch at Joey and then three hours sitting at the performance.  Though I had a few tense moments when I wondered if I could sit any longer without fainting from pain, I managed to find my Zen space and I thoroughly enjoyed the show. 

Admittedly, I was pretty wrecked by yesterday.  A visit to my physiotherapist in the morning followed by a visit to my doctor's office and an xray clinic exhausted whatever little reserves I had.  Grocery shopping today, so sapped me that I sat in the driveway for about ten minutes after getting home today, my back and hip in spasm and me unable to get out of the car.  All things pass.  Eventually I got into the house, took some pain meds and collapsed on the sofa.  A half hour later I was revived enough to get up and put away the groceries.  Two hours later, I was able to make the bolognese sauce for tonight's dinner.

Clearly, I'm broken.  I hope the doctors have more luck putting me back together than the king's men had with Humpty.

Playing Hurt

"An injured lion still wants to roar." - Randy Pausch

 

I have little in common with most professional athletes.  I'm uncoordinated, plump and doughy.  I've never been an even adequate player in any sport.  So it is interesting at this late juncture in my life to find that I now have something in common with them.  I'm having to learn to play hurt.  

Playing hurt is a part of every professional athlete's life.  Now it is a part of mine.  Seven weeks into my back issues, I'm still often inconsolable with pain.  My hip is so inflamed that I cry out in the night when it goes into spasm.  I feel like hot knives are being thrust into my leg and foot.  But life does not stand still because I'm on the sidelines.  Bad enough that I missed real participation in my 25th wedding anniversary and Jacob's birthday.  And I didn't get to England for a long awaited family wedding.  But I did do some things.  I spent two days leading my crew team at The Weekend to End Women's Cancers.  I did it through a haze of pain, and from a chair, but I did it.  Last Saturday night, I attended a surprise party hosted by Brian's and Geraldine's kids to celebrate their fortieth wedding anniversary.  It was a lovely party.  A couple of hours in, I felt desperate to go home but I managed to hang on until the bitter end.  The moment I laid down when I got home, I burst into tears.  Hiding pain is exhausting.

I've got a number of events ahead in the next few weeks - an afternoon at the theatre with Courtney, her mom and sister, a welcoming party for a friend's new grandson and the wedding of the young man that I mentor professionally.  I'm praying that I will be doing much better by then.  If not, I'll just have to suck it up and put my game face on. 

Same Circus, Different Clown

"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town." - George Carlin

 

I wouldn't wish ill health on my worst enemy so the health challenges of Rob Ford give me no satisfaction.  I hope he recovers from whatever his ailment turns out to be and goes on to raise his family and live his life - just so long as he's not doing it as our mayor.  Dropping out of the mayoral race is absolutely the right thing for him to do.  Having his brother Doug step into his shoes and run for mayor is absolutely the wrong thing to do.  And yet, here we are.  Rob for councillor.  Doug for mayor.

What is it going to take to rid our poor inflicted city of the Ford boys?  Haven't we suffered enough?  Rob Ford is a buffoon - moronic, crass and idiotic.  Doug Ford is just a more dangerous version of his brother.  God help us.  We're in for a bumpy ride.

Disappointment

"The principles of living greatly include the capacity to face trouble with courage, disappointment with cheerfulness, and trial with humility." - Thomas S. Monson

I finally had to call it a day on my goal of going to England for a family wedding this weekend.  It is the middle of week five and while I'm making some progress, it is not enough to allow me to navigate airports and sit on a plane for a seven hour flight.  I'm sad.  We've been planning for this trip for two years now.  Merv will go without me. 

The silver lining is that it is also The Weekend to End Women's Cancers and had I gone to England, I would have missed it for the first time in 12 years.  This year, Jacob has co-captained our crew team with me.  As I've been down through all of August, he has had to attend all the meetings on our behalf and I have done all the planning and communication work with our team.  The work of crewing is heavy and my contribution this weekend will be limited but at the very least I'm hoping to pull up a chair and cheer on our walkers for a couple of hours each day.  This year I am reminded of why what we do is so important.  The money raised at the Weekend not only is helping to find a cure for women's cancers but it is also helping to find better, less damaging treatments.  As my back problems can be traced largely to the bone loss and compression that resulted from my breast cancer treatments, I acutely feel the need to help find a better way.  The path forward from life saving treatment should not be a lifetime of pain. 

England will still be there when I'm back on my feet and while I will miss this joyous occasion, I'm sure there will be other opportunities to celebrate with my English family.