Looking Back

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair…" - Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

For the first time in many years, I will meet the end of the year with a measure of relief.  2014 was a year of joy and a year of loss, a year of celebration and a year of pain, a year in which I experienced the highest highs in the same week I experienced the lowest lows. 

My business was the slowest it has been in ten years.  Projects were pulled or postponed at the eleventh hour.  Clients were slow to pay their bills or didn’t pay at all.  A lot of people asked for help and advice.  Most of them didn’t want to pay for it. 

We started the year with great joy.  Our dear friend Howard got his new lungs in December 2013.  He was released from the hospital in January.  We had a party before sending him and his wife home to Timmins the week before Easter.  A couple of months later he caught a virus and came back.  On a quiet Sunday in June, his 58^th birthday, he died.  We lost our miracle man.  His wife Lise who had become such a cherished member of our family, went back to Timmins.  We did our best to support her but it was not long before she began to withdraw from us.  Sometime in September she unfriended our whole extended family from Facebook.  She stopped responding to messages.  She stopped picking up the phone when we called. It was a loss I didn’t see coming and one that still has me reeling.  

In April, Merv’s brother, Eric and his partner, Val arrived for a visit.  The day after their arrival, I hosted Courtney’s 21^st birthday with a Disney princess themed dinner party.  I decorated the house with banners, tiaras and fairy lights.  The following day, I replaced the décor with British bunting and Union Jacks as we celebrated Merv’s 60^th birthday.  Their one week with us also included Easter celebrations, a trip to Niagara, visits to all the local tourist spots, cooking, cooking, cooking and endless cleaning. It was fun but by the end of their visit I was ready to fall down with fatigue.

I attended far too many funerals this year.  I lost mentors and friends. In the week of Howard’s death, I lost two old friends.  It was the same week that we celebrated Jacob’s graduation at the top of his university class.  We travelled to Guelph to watch him receive a prestigious engineering award and went back to Guelph two days later for his convocation.  We sent Jacob and Courtney to Italy as a graduation gift.  Courtney moved into our house for the summer.  At the beginning of August I herniated three lumbar discs.  It is the end of the year and I haven’t yet managed a full recovery.  I was in bed for my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary.  I missed a scheduled trip to England for a family wedding.  Merv went alone.  I was grateful Courtney was here to take care of me.  There are some things I can’t ask my boy child to do.  She was wonderful.  In September, Courtney moved back downtown at the start of school.  In November, Jacob and Courtney called it quits.  I am sad.  I miss her.  I’ve maintained my relationships with Jacob’s other exes but I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it this time. She has pulled away from me. I can only hope she will still find a space for me in her life.

Yesterday marked ten years since we put my mom in the nursing home.  I never expected we would see this anniversary.  She is mentally vacant but her heart is strong.  It is just one more of life's mysteries.

Today I will take down the Christmas decorations and pack the holidays away for another year.  In a couple of days 2014 will slip away quietly.  I will meet the new year with renewed hope for better health and better days for us all.

Oblivious to The Slow Simmer

 

"If you throw a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will hop right out.  But if you put that frog in a pot of tepid water and slowly warm it, the frog doesn't figure out what's going on until it's too late.  Boiled frog.  It's just a matter of working by slow degrees." - Stephenie Meyer

I'm feeling a bit like the frog in the old metaphor.  I've been wearing reading glasses for close to twenty years now but my long distance vision has always been great or at least good.  Since I suffered a viscuous detachment last year it has admittedly been less than it had been but I still don't wear glasses for distance or driving. Lately I've noticed the street signs aren't quite as clear as they once were. So last week I decided to go to an opthamologist for an eye exam. Following a thorough exam, the opthamologist told me my vision is lousy in all ranges and suggested progressives. 

As I was unable to wrap my head around wearing glasses full-time, I decided to take a couple of days to mindfully go through my life attempting to be cognizant of my vision and any obstructions I was experiencing.  Sitting in a conference room the following day at The Law Society, it only took until noon before I was ready to order new glasses.  When did I get so blind?  Everything was fuzzy.  In the harsh overhead lights I couldn't read the laptop in front of me or the words projected on the screen fifteen feet away from me. 

My glasses are on order though unfortunately I probably won't get them in time for Christmas.  I suppose that's okay.  The lights on the tree look very pretty in a blur.  My failing eyesight is just further evidence that aging is not for sissies.

13 Days of Giving

"Remember that the happiest people are not those getting more, but those giving more." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

 

Last year, the remarkable organization, Change Heroes ran a program called 30 Days of Giving.  Each day in the month of December, participants were tasked with doing a specific act of kindness.  It was a great deal of fun and a wonderful way to fully engage in the joy of the season.  Whatever their reason, this year they have reduced the program to 13 Days of Giving.  Today is Day 3.  

 

As I'm struggling a bit this year getting emotionally connected to Christmas, I have welcomed the activities.  My mood is dark enough that I explained to someone today that to hit bottom, I think I need to climb up.  Nonetheless, I'm trying.  The tasks have been simple enough.  Day 1 was to compliment a stranger.  Day 2 was to write three things for which I am grateful.  Today's task was to bake cookies to share with my colleagues tomorrow.  I don't have colleagues and I rarely bake cookies.  Instead, I put some Christmas music on and stirred up a pumpkin spice loaf.  I cooled and wrapped it, ready for Jacob to take to work with him tomorrow.  I didn't get to sample it but the kitchen smelled heavenly.  I hope his colleagues enjoy it.  Somehow even that activity hasn't boosted my mood much.  Maybe tomorrow.

Silver and Pearls

"Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love." - Hamilton Wright Mabi

It is a silver and pearl Christmas for us this year.  I normally choose the theme for our holiday from something that happened during the year or someplace we travelled.  It was a strange year for me.  No big trips or new adventures.  I decided on the silver because Merv and I marked our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary in August and the pearls because I like white.

My back and hip remain painful so Christmas decorating is going slow.  Today I did the banister.  Tomorrow I will tackle the fireplace mantel.  Perhaps I will do the upstairs tree this weekend.  I haven't really been in the mood.  A little more than a week ago, Jacob and Courtney ended their romance after three years.  It was a mutual decision but one that left them both sad.  I'm sad too.  Courtney has virtually lived in our home for much of these last few years.  She was a God send to me this summer when I was bedridden with back trouble.  She cared for me and looked after me.  I don't know what I would have done without her.  I know the relationship between she and I will continue.  We didn't break up.  But it won't be the same.  I didn't have my girl kid to snuggle up with and watch TV on the weekend.  I miss her already.  A couple of days after the break-up, I got the news of the death of an old friend.  Old, in the sense that we've known one another since 1993 but certainly not in the sense that he was old.  Stewart was one of the most brilliant men I have known.  He left us all too early at the age of 67. 

His death started me thinking about how many funerals I've been to this year and how much loss I've been witness to.  2014 hasn't been the kindest year.  There are just 29 days left in December.  I'm trying to make the best of them but in all honesty, I can't say I will be sad to close the book on this year.