Trying to Heal

"High expectations are the key to everything." - Sam Walton 

I'm now in my fourth week of being down with three herniated discs.  I've met the first two of the three goals I set for myself at the start of this latest round of back trouble.  I sat at the dinner table for Jacob's birthday and I went out with Merv, Jacob and Courtney for dinner to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.  That was a week ago today.  By the end of two hours of sitting in the restaurant, I was paralyzed by pain.  Nonetheless, I did not regret having gone.  A quarter of a century of marriage is worthy of celebration.  We had a good time.  It was worth it.

A week later, my expectation that I would be further along the path of healing has been crushed.  I've made little progress.  I took a few steps forward and then a few steps back.  I developed new symptoms and new problems.  Today I spent an hour and a half in physiotherapy.  It was a gruelling session.  I feel like I've been beaten.  I only have eight days left to get in good enough shape to meet my third goal - a trip to England to attend a family wedding.  From where I lay today, it seems a bit like a pipe dream.  But I am determined.  I am striving.  I am praying.  God help me.

Progress

"I was taught that the way of progress was neither swift nor easy." - Marie Curie

 

 I checked the box on goal number one - to sit at the dinner table on Jacob's birthday.  Other than my presence at the table and my debit card, I contributed nothing to the events of the weekend.  Courtney did all the shopping, cooking, set up and clean up for Jacob's birthday party with his friends on Saturday and his family birthday dinner on Sunday.  Until dinner on Sunday night, I stayed flat on my back trying to practise the art of surrender.  My surrender mechanism still needs some work but there was little I could do in any event.  I eventually made my way down the stairs on Sunday afternoon, taking them one at a time on my seat.  And with a lot of determination I sat at the dinner table for an hour until I simply couldn't do it any more.

 

By yesterday morning my pain level had escalated to high but I once again went down the stairs on my seat and spent time with Gail who graciously arrived with lunch and iced coffee.  It was great to have some time together and even greater to have Gail grace me with healing energy which warmed the foot of my painful leg and eased the spasms that had me crying before her arrival.  

 

A night of sound sleep, the first in weeks, was followed this morning by a session with my physiotherapist.  Claire is a gentle soul but a no nonsense therapist and I spent an hour and a half reminding myself that no pain would result in no gain.  By the end of the session though feeling battered and sore, I could stand mostly upright.  The rest of the day has been spent laying low, resting, icing and doing my stretching exercises.  Tomorrow is our 25th wedding anniversary and I am determined that I will be upright enough and strong enough to be able to go out for dinner.  

Pain

"Pain is temporary.  It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place.  If I quit, however, it lasts forever." - Lance Armstrong

How much pain should one person have to endure?  I've asked myself this questions many times in the last few days, always in a moment of weakness when I'm indulging in a little session of feeling sorry for myself. For the last few weeks my back has been growing increasingly sore.  Rather than go to bed for a couple of days and rest until I felt better, I chose to live on the river in Egypt.  And while denial as a strategy has served me well at some points in my life, it wasn't a good strategy this time.

The doctor's diagnosis was disheartening.  I have herniated discs L5S4, L4 and L3.  The last time I herniated a disc was in 2007 and it left me flat on my back for five weeks.  I can't bear to do that again - thus my retreat to the strategy of denial.  When I stopped being able to stand, walk or turn over in bed, I was forced to face the reality.  So I'm back in bed though trying a different strategy this time.  My physiotherapist has given me some excercises to do along with instructions to ice and use my tens machine five times per day.  The excercises hurt like heck but I'm trying.  I don't have five weeks to spend flat on my back.  I'm looking for a miracle here.

 

Sunday is Jacob's 23rd birthday.  My first goal is to be able to sit at the dinner table.  I'm resigned to the fact that I won't be cooking the meal but there are enough other capable people around to do that.  Goal two is to be upright and able to dress well and go out for dinner on Wednesday - Merv's and my 25th wedding anniversary.  I'm happy I did my anniversary gift shopping early so I don't have to worry about that.  I don't even need to be able to dance, just to be well enough to go out and enjoy a quiet dinner.  Goal three is to be recovered enough to be able to get on a plane and do a red-eye flight to England for a family wedding in the first week of September.  In my current state it is hard to even imagine seven hours in economy class but it's still three weeks away and I'm determined.  I'm praying a lot too.