Challenges

“When you feel broken and your resources are down to nothing, Calm Down and pray because God is up to something!” - Carlix Collins

I'm not sure where to start other than by saying it is a good thing I got my pacemaker when I did.  Even with my new efficient heart, the last few weeks have more than sapped my energy.  My resources are depleted, the tank is empty.

While Cath continues to struggle to recover from her recent radiation treatments, Nancy spent nine days in Mt. Sinai.  I took her into emergency two weeks ago when she was suffering from severe abdominal pain.  She needed surgery to remove her gall bladder and was classified on the emergency surgery waiting list as a "C" patient.  That means all the "A and B" patients had priority over Nan.  I took her in on a Tuesday morning and she had her surgery late on Thursday night.  As they were able to do the surgery laproscopically, she was released the following day.  We didn't even make it to the elevator before she collapsed and was readmitted with a case of pancreatitis.  She was there six more days.  So, for nine days, I was at Mt. Sinai for about twelve hours per day.  The first four days I was there alone with Nan.  By day five, Cath felt well enough to join me.  But Cath is still far from recovered from her own trials.  In some ways, it was harder to manage Cath than it was to manage Nan.  Bells and buzzers and loud noises sent Cath into a tailspin of tears every day.  Hospitals are noisy places.  She was nervous and aggresive.   I was desperate to get Nan home.

While I sat at Nan's bedside Monday morning, I got a call from the nursing home.  There had been an accident while my mom was momentarily left unattended and she had suffered a head injury.  I somehow needed to figure out how to be in two places at one time.  Two days later, my mom developed a fever and a respiratory infection.  The following day, one of the nurses noticed that her foot was swollen and discoloured.  Xrays confirmed that her foot is broken.  No incident report was made so we don't know how it happened.

Nan was released on Wednesday and went to stay with Cath for a couple of days.  Stan went to the lake leaving me to care for both my sisters.  Cath can't drive yet so I've had multiple chores to do every day, not just to chauffeur her around but to do her grocery shopping and other errands.  I am also going to the nursing home every day.  My mom has an egg on her forehead, a black eye and the worst facial bruising I've ever seen.  Her bruises end low on her cheek in a large blister. My frustration level is high.  Mom has been a resident of the nursing home for eleven and a half years.  In 2011 she broke her hip when left unattended sitting on her bed.  A couple of years later, she broke her foot.  No incident report was filed.  At least a half dozen times in the last two years, she has had significant bruises.  We don't know how they happened.  I realize she is fragile and it doesn't take much to bruise her skin.  I am not concerned that she is being abused but rather that staff are so concerned for their jobs if they file an incident report that they just don't tell.  The nursing assistant involved in mom's head injury cried for days after the accident happened.  I get that she feels terrible.  I get that accidents happen.  I'm not even angry.  I just want them to figure it out so that it doesn't keep happening. Her tears and contrition along with three dollars will get me a ride on the subway.  

My friend David tells me that periods of adversity are God's way of letting me know that I am loved and trusted.  It is in trying times that we grow.  I don't want to contradict him or complain but frankly I'd be okay with a little less growth right now and a few days of Jackie time to refill the tank. 

Walking Through Fire

"Where there is no struggle, there is no strength." - Oprah Winfrey

It has been a couple of months since I've made an entry in this blog.  I don't know if anyone reads it so I don't know if anyone has missed it.  I've had a couple of interesting and challenging months, not just in terms of my own recovery from surgery but in terms of supporting my sisters who have been dealing with their own challenges.

I've done very well in my personal recovery from pacemaker surgery.  I'm still trying to get over the fact that this is what normal feels like.  I can run across a wide street to make the light and run up a couple flights of stairs all without breathlessness.  My revved up heart has given me a revved up metabolism resulting in a bit of unearned weight loss.  Who knew my sluggish heart was keeping me fat?  Still, it has taken some adjustment to my new speed.  There have been many nights when I have been woken by what feels like a racing heart.  My cardiologist assures me it is not racing, just beating at the speed of a normal heart.  Given that I have never had a heart that beat normally, it feels weird.  I'm getting used to it and I'm sure in time I won't notice it anymore.

Just after my surgery, my sister Cath started a course of medical treatments of her own.  She is fine but it has been gruelling for her.  Her treatments have required a daily visit to the hospital for thirty days.  She hasn't reacted well to the treatments, suffering many side effects. When her husband decided to head to their lakehome for a few days, I took over accompanying her for her daily treatment.  What we expected to take a few minutes, in fact kept us in the hospital for eight hours at a stretch most days while the doctors figured out how to deal with her side effects.  They finally did get it under control and with only two treatments left to go, she is now at the end of the tunnel, standing and intact.  During this process, my other sister Nancy had foot surgery which kept her completely off her feet for three weeks.  I did my best to take care of her though I am admittedly grateful for her kind neighbours who checked in on her multiple times daily.  As Nan was unable to attend at the nursing home for several weeks and Cath wasn't up to it, it also fell to me to see to my mom.  I didn't make it everyday but I did the best I could.

A couple of days after my surgery, my biggest client terminated my contract over the phone.  I was terribly hurt.  For seven months, I gave this company my heart in a way that I have never committed to another client.  They said all the right things convincing me that there was an alignment of our values.  I worked long hours far in excess of my contract requirments and didn't bill for a single moment of that time.  I thought I had found a place where I fit.  I was wrong.  I made full disclosure at the time we signed the agreement, I am not a sycophant.  I will never be sycophant.  It has gotten me in a lot of trouble over the years but I feel it is my obligation to speak up when I see things going off the rails.  I do it privately and respectfully, but I do it.  The company owner assured me that is exactly what he wanted.  He asked me to save him from himself.  At the end of the day though, the emperor didn't want to hear that he has no clothes.  The truth became an inconvenience and confronting it raised a mirror he didn't want to look into.

In retrospect, I am relieved.  The situation was starting to feel toxic.  We did not have an alignment of our values and it was causing me pain that I had so seriously misread the owner.  Mostly I felt angry at myself for getting taken in.  But it would have been close to impossible to work with the crazy level of stress I was experiencing and look after my mother and sisters while recovering from heart surgery.  The end of the contract was a problem that came with a gift in its hands. The challenge is that in January, I had advised my client referral sources that I wouldn't be accepting new clients as I couldn't keep up the pace.  I had to go back and reactivate those referral sources and am grateful that they didn't skip a beat.

For the past week and a half, my husband has been golfing in Florida.  I seized the opportunity to both finish some projects I've been working on for months and to go on a cleaning frenzy.  This afternoon, I will tackle my bedroom closet.  I haven't been well enough to do it for two years.  My new heart is strong.  My energy levels are high.  It is spring and my world is filled with hope.