"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead; I lift my eyes and all is born again." - Sylvia Plath
It has been a long day. I started first thing this morning with my annual oncology visit to Princess Margaret. On the way downtown, I left a message for my GP. A couple of days ago, my left eye became saturated with a whole batch of floaters. While sitting in the theatre on Tuesday night, my eye started to flash. I've never experienced anything like it before. I thought it might be that I was very tired so after the show I went to bed expecting that in the morning, it would have resolved. But the flashing continued all day Wednesday and this morning. I wanted to know if my GP could arrange for me to see an eye doctor or whether the nature of this problem merited a trip to the emergency room. If emergency was the choice, was I better off at Mt. Sinai or at TGH? My GP's assistant left a message on my cell phone which I picked up after leaving PMH, grateful for another all clear. Her message was adamant - I was to go immediately to emergency at Toronto Western as that is where the best eye clinic is in town. I was experiencing the symptoms of a retinal tear, hole or detachment.
Toronto Western is an interesting place. They probably have the worst intake system of any emergency department I've been into in Toronto. Just getting registered to be seen for screening took over an hour. There were a lot of people there who were clearly "regulars", the staff asking them why they were back again today when they've been seen this week already. The reasons were bizarre. One woman said she had a cavity and needed pain medication and a bus ticket. She was about seven months pregnant. I was amazed that they gave her the pain meds considering I couldn't even get Tylenol 3 when I tore my rotator cuff and was in unmitigating agony. After a couple of hours I saw an emergency room doctor. He was a very nice man who looked into my eyes and declared that I needed to see a doctor in the retina clinic immediately. He believed he could see a tear in my retina.
An hour later, my pupils were dialated and I was told to sit in a waiting area. There were about thirty people in the area who were there for scheduled appointments. The lights were bright and hurt my eyes. My head started to pound and my stomach growled. I called Nan to ask her to come to the hospital. I had no way to get my car home as I wasn't going to be able to see well enough to drive. The receptionist told me it wouldn't be long. Unfortunately, I was put at the end of the list. I didn't see the doctor until the other thirty people had been seen and sent home. Nan waited with me, endlessly patient. We were there for hours. I finally saw the specialist. He was in awe of the number of floaters he could see in my eye. He could understand my description of seeing through a dark veil. He could explain the flashing. The good news is, there is no retinal tear. The bad news is, nothing can be done. He told me to expect to look through the veil and experience the flashing for the rest of my life. A membrane in the eye has peeled away. It happens to people sometimes as a part of aging.
In time I suppose I will get used to it. I imagined today, this might have been the view through my black bridal veil if I was the bride of Chuckie. I also thought that it probably doesn't make sense to give myself a life sentence here, even if the doctor was prepared to do it. Just because medical science doesn't know how to make the floaters go away today, doesn't mean someone won't figure it out tomorrow. As for the flashes, I'm going to think of them as fireflies. I loved watching the fireflies flicker in the backyard on hot summer nights when I was a kid. Now, no matter where I am or what the season, I will have my own private show.
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