What Now?

 "Mixed feelings, like mixed drinks, are a confusion to the soul." - George Carman

I did a pretty good job of convincing myself that I was doing fine with the thought of Jacob returning to Guelph.  After all, I'm tired and I need some peace and quiet.  Maybe not so much.  Somewhere in the early hours of today I came to the realization that Jacob is probably never coming home to stay.  There may be the odd weekend or holiday that he's home but chances are he'll most often stay at Courtney's when he comes back to Toronto. And when he graduates in the spring, he will move into a place of his own whether that is here in the city or somewhere else he decides to locate.  I pretty much feel like I just got notice that I'm going to be unemployed.  I've always had a job but the way I've made my living has never been the way I've made my life.  I am Jacob's mother and as the job of mothering goes, I think my hours are being reduced to casual status.  So if I can no longer define myself by that role, who am I?

I hate feeling this way - so at loose ends.  It is unlike me.  So what now?  I guess I'll take the next few weeks and try to figure it out.