Many Angry Men

”There was never an angry man that thought his anger unjust.” - Saint Francis de Sales

I've been doing a lot of work these past few weeks, investigating complaints of various types.  There have been the "mean girl" complaints, the "improper behavior" complaints and the "clash of egos" complaints.  The one I'm focused on right now is a workplace harassment case by a group of women against a group of men.  I've had private meetings with each of the women and each of the men. Taken individually, with one exception, I've quite liked all of them, both complainants and respondents.  What has become clear to me is that they are all working in a testosterone fueled atmosphere where aggressive interactions are the norm.  The physical space that they work in is tight.  The men regularly shout at the women and at one another.  They hurl epithets and bump into the women, sometimes with force sufficient to knock them off balance, all without apology.  Complaints about their behavior have until now, fallen on deaf ears, largely met by the all male management team with a "Suck it up, princess response".

And yet, these men, taken individually seem like good guys.  They've talked to me about their wives and mothers.  They are affable in my company and mostly respectful in our interactions, and yet they are also bewildered.  They don't understand why the women are complaining.  They don't understand why the women are afraid.

It has started me thinking about the rage of men and whether or not they even realize that they make women feel afraid when they rage at us.  I wonder if they know that we feel afraid when they tailgate our cars and then flip us off or scream at us when they pull up beside us at stop lights.  I wonder if they know that it makes us afraid when they yell at us.  

Last week I met a woman at a social reception.  She was clearly having a bad day.  As I seem to have a face that invites strangers to unload their burdens, she told me her story.  She has been married to a good man for more than thirty years.  They have children and grandchildren.  But just that very morning, her husband had lost his temper, angry about a situation that his wife was not responsible for, but shouting at her as the outlet for his anger.  She knows he would never physically hurt her but he made her feel afraid, just the same.  She got into her car and drove for five hours, unable to convince herself to return to her home, pushed beyond her breaking point.

I don't know what the answer is to dealing with angry men.  I do know that we need to do a better job with our sons in teaching them about the effect that male rage can have on women.  I have spoken to my own son about it.  Perhaps I will have the chance to do the same with the men who are the respondents in my current investigation.  Probably not, but I sure hope someone does.