It's days like today that can easily bring me to my knees if I'm not careful to keep myself in check. The most mundane of activities, grocery shopping, is no longer mundane. It's not just about getting my groceries as efficiently as I can and getting out of the store, it's about numerous modifications to my plans due to recently empty shelves and dodging the newly emboldened shoppers who don't want to play by public health rules. It's about keeping myself from exploding at unmasked strangers who for some reason, won't take even the simplest of measures, like not standing so close to me in the checkout line that they or their unmasked and unchecked children keep bumping into me. I don't want to fight with them, there is no margin in it. It would be too much like wrestling with a pig - we would both get dirty but the pig would like it.
I'm in an unfamiliar head space these days. I vacillate between weariness and rage. Rage is an emotion I have rarely experienced and certainly never sustained, but I find myself there much of the time now. For almost two years we've been living with the Covid 19 pandemic and like the rest of the world, I'm tired. There are times when I feel hopeful that we are coming to the end of the complete mayhem it has made of our lives but those times are fleeting. And as my hopes have diminished, I have moved into rage. Two years ago we had no tools at our disposal to end this scourge. We longed for the day the vaccine would be created and we could all get it and get back to our lives. We got the vaccine but we are still in the midst of the pandemic.
I realize now that there was a flaw in my thinking when I believed the vaccine would signal the end. I assumed that everyone would jump at the chance to take it. I remember the days when we had vaccine envy as we waited for our turns and watched our friends post the news on social media that they had received their doses - first, second and third. I remember feeling absolutely giddy the day I got my second dose. I was going to be safe and even if I did get Covid, maybe I would be protected enough not to die from it. I know it sounds dramatic but it is a reality for those of us with serious underlying health issues and God help me, I don't want to die of Covid. If everyone got protected and the virus couldn't find hosts to invade or morph into new strains, we would all be unmasked again in the grocery store. We could travel again and go to concerts and sporting events and parties. But in Ontario, fifteen percent of our eligible population remains unvaccinated. It is a bizarre choice to me. The anti-vaxer truckers convoy that calls itself the Freedom Convoy is being controlled, not by the small group of anti-vaxer truckers who are railing against public health restrictions, but by a hateful group of far-right nut bars, most of whom are not even resident in Canada. The money to support the invasion of Ottawa which has now been going on for nineteen days as well as the protests which have crippled most major cities in Canada and closed the Ambassador Bridge in Windsor hasn't even primarily come from Canadians. Roughly seventy percent of the money comes from foreign contributions, the vast majority from the U.S. This group is calling for insurrection against the Canadian government. They have held the Canadian population for ransom, crippling the supply chain, harming our economy and thwarting the will of the Canadian people who elected our current federal government to office only a few short months ago. It is hardly imaginable that this is were we are today.
Last night, I watched the news. I have been deliberately limiting my news exposure for the last week or so. If I watch it too late at night, I find I am unable to sleep but last night, I watched at six. A reporter was interviewing a young woman who was protesting the public health restrictions. She was particularly upset at the requirement to show a vaccine passport in order to eat in a restaurant. Her parting words to the reporter were that she is protesting because all we are seeing right now is not Canadian. In that moment, I found something that we could agree on.
The Canada I know and truly love, has never been about granting freedoms to individuals at all costs, even when those freedoms impinge on the safety and security of the broader population. Canadians have always been about community. It's why we have such strong social support systems and provide health care to all of our people. We have always needed to help and rely on one another. Our climate is harsh. The support and participation of everyone is how we have learned to survive. It's not just a stereotype that we are nice. We are nice. And generally, we have been pretty lawful. For many years, I worked at an American bank and in my frequent travels to visit my American colleagues, I was often teased for being so Canadian that I would not cross the street against a red light even if there were no cars in sight. And yet, day after day, I watch these convoys break the law. They have defaced our war memorial, blocked access to our buildings and destroyed the peace of those who live in the neighbourhoods they have invaded. They have urinated on our sacred monuments and defecated on residents' lawns. So the protester was right. What we are seeing right now coming from this hateful group, doesn't look Canadian to me.
All of that should be more than enough to drive me to anger but it took more than that to drive me to rage. In many ways, I love social media. It lets me connect to my friends all over the world. That's the part I love, but it is a double-edged sword. I can also see the things my Facebook friends post and there have been several times I have deplored what I have seen. Interestingly enough, the most upsetting posts come from people with whom I have a shared religious background. I am not claiming to ever have been particularly good at the practice of the faith in which I was raised, but even now, I try to embrace what I believe to be the most important tenet. Love thy neighbour as thyself (22:37-39). Some of the most offensive of the posts have come from a friend who counts herself as a religious devotee. She posts Bible passages most days and has likened the actions of the so called "Freedom Convoy" to the slaves trying to escape Egypt that The Bible references in Exodus. Seriously? Another Facebook friend wants all masking restrictions lifted for her unvaccinated children because only a few dozen Canadian children have died from Covid and we shouldn't be making our kids feel like they need to protect either their elderly grandparents or their vulnerable peers. I guess the lives of just a few dozen children aren't important enough, especially when they aren't her children. And both her parents have serious underlying health conditions and like me, may not fare well if they catch Covid.
I am beyond angry. I understand that they are tired of this mess. Trust me - we are all tired of this mess, but we are still here and will still be here for months to come if everyone doesn't step up to do their part. They are both good people and I have known and loved them both for decades. I can only surmise that these absurd and harmful positions they have taken are based in their own fears and anxieties. I have avoided confrontation with them, choosing instead, at least for now to unfollow but not unfriend them on Facebook. I don't want to get to a place where our long friendships have been irrevocably broken. They may, or may not read this post. I don't know if either of them reads my blog but just in case they do, let me ask them - is your fear really greater than your love? After all these years and all we have been through, and all the times I have tried to help and support you, do you really not love me enough to get a needle and wear a mask in public places? I'm happy for you that a bout of Covid if you do get it, will likely have a limited impact on your or your children's futures but please hear me when I tell you that I cannot say the same. And please don't throw anymore Bible verses at me because your refusal to protect your neighbours is sadly un-Christian and even Pope Francis will tell you that.
