An Intent Realignment

"Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die." - Malachy McCourt

I'm trying to be a better person - not just in my deeds but in my intent. It's not that I think I'm unkind or miserly - quite the opposite. It is just that lately I've been struggling to make my intent match my deeds. I sit on a couple of pro-bono boards at not-for-profit agencies. I'm really happy to do so because they both serve constituents who really need their services. They also need the skills I provide and I'm happy I can contribute more than just money. I'm not seeking thanks or recognition - I didn't take on the roles for personal gain or glory. At the moment, I'm struggling with my role on one of the boards. I'm doing a lot of heavy lifting right now, and that's okay. But some individuals peripheral to our agency are casting shadows on my motives. As a result, I'm feeling some resentment about the amount of work I'm performing for the agency.

I want to find a way to realign my intent with my actions. I will continue to do the work. I made a commitment and I will see it through. I know how important this agency is to so many people who have no place else to turn. What I don't want, is to do the work with resentment. I need to find a way to again do the work from a spirit of generosity and kindness in spite of the nay sayers. I've been thinking a lot about how to get back there and I really hope I can find my way.

I feel bad about feeling resentful. It's not a part of my normal nature and so I don't have much experience with it. I'm usually better at convincing myself everybody is doing the best they can and just letting things go. I don't know why it is so hard this time. Maybe I'm just tired. A few days off with my husband next week might be just the tonic to help me turn my head around.